Final Steps

The coincidences that I spoke about in a much earlier piece are still happening. Although I haven't kept track, and they aren't as frequent as they were in the early days, they are still there. It's a bit like the chicken and the egg in that I'm not sure if I see them because you are still on my mind or if they happen and they bring you to my mind...either way...there they are.

Today there was another one. It is drawing close to the anniversary of the day we had sex and I became pregnant...hard to believe it was 27 years ago, but it was. We could be the parents of an adult or we could be grandparents but...we're not.

Of course as the time draws closer you are in my thoughts again. Today while talking to my girlfriend, she shared that she is going to Vegas in November...yet another anniversary time, but one that is harder for me to forget. I still have the present I was going to give you for your 50th birthday...now long passed, but I haven't thrown it away...and I couldn't give it to anyone else because it is something that has to do with your heritage...no one else's.

So, what do I do? If you know me at all you know that I have already made up my mind as to what I want to do. I'm going to parcel it up and have my friend mail it from Vegas. The only dilemma I have is...what do I put in with the pin? Do I put a note in with it, and if I do...what do I write?

I have had some thoughts on this, and one is just to put "Amen"...simple and to the point. Or I could just leave it empty.

Will he know it's from me you ask, well that's the question isn't it, and what will happen if he knows...that I know the answer to...Nothing. I don't want there to be anything, all I want is for it to be gone from my dresser drawer. Yes, I know, I could have just thrown it out, but that wouldn't be something I would do ... is it?

I just want him to think. I want him to remember. I want him to be haunted just like I am haunted...not in a hurtful way, but I want him to consider what he has done and feel that tug on his heart that I feel every time I think about it all. I know...it doesn't mean the same thing to him and it NEVER will. But I can hope that something will work, and it's not for me...it's for someone else who isn't around to defend himself.

It's just the final steps I have to take on my way to recovery.