The truth about living with someone with depression is that it is exceedingly lonely. You are with your partner giving them every last bit of your energy and you get nothing back. Sometimes you don't even get a simple conversation. Television is your only interaction...you are both watching the same thing...that's it. I am so tired of being with someone and still being alone.
He sleeps most of the day and then takes two sleeping pills to sleep at night. Does this make sense? No. Do I have the right to talk to him about it? No. I just have to sit and watch. I have to pick my battles and lately they are few and far between.
I am starved for attention. I have isolated myself over the last few years because I have been taking 'care' of him. I have work...and friends that I see and talk to there but very few know what has been transpiring in my life. It's hard to share and let people in on my life. I know what they will say...let it go...let him go. Same story, same answers, same ending.
I don't want to abandon him, even though this disease has caused him to abandon me. That's really what it is, isn't it? He has left me and this needy, helpless child has taken his place. It's not his fault but part of me sees so many ways he could DO something to make it better. I can't tell him what to do, because he sees that as controlling him, so I have to just sit here and watch and hope that it gets better. I have been doing that for years...and years.
At what point do I just accept it as our new reality? How do I get my 'Ms. Fixer' brain to let it go?
I can't do anything more for him right now, so I have to change focus. I started taking care of me. I used to walk when I was dealing with frustrations and I've started doing that again. It can't hurt. It gives me time to think and it's something just for me. I don't do many things for myself. I'm not wired to be selfish so I always feel guilty when I take time to do things for me. It seems I am last on my To Do List and inevitably there aren't enough hours in the day to get to ME.
Things will unfold as they should and when you're not sure what to do or say...it's best to not do anything...or say anything. That time will come.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Saturday, February 4, 2017
All alone
In times when I'm feeling particularly hurt instead of arguing or voicing my anger or disappointment, I prefer to write. It allows me to sort out my feelings and sometimes if I'm lucky I actually find the solutions without uttering a word. Those times are rare but worth the effort.
As of late I've been dealing with my partner's depression. It's not an easy life when you live with someone who suffers from chronic depression. There is such pressure on you to be...well, everything. You are his support, provider, comforter, and link to the world. You know that you hold his life...literally, in your hands. Yes there are professionals who deal with his medications and his current dilemmas but they are only with him for a very small portion of the time. You are with him always. Even though you may be out of the house and away, you are never really away. Your mind is always with him, wondering how he is, what he is doing, how is feeling, what can I do to help, how can I be supportive, what could I cook to make him at least feel good for a minute? It never stops, and the list of questions circling in my head is incessant.
My normal nature is to be a fixer. I see issues, and I immediately go to finding a solution. I plan, I organize and I solve. But I can't solve this, all I can do is mitigate or manage. It is so frustrating and exhausting.
And to cap off all this frustration, your partner, the love of your life seems to have lost sight of you. It feels as if his needs are all that matters and you have become invisible. I swear I could be bleeding to death on the floor in front of him and he wouldn't be able to reach for the phone and dial 911. How does one remain in love with someone during this crisis? How do you not feel resentment? How much strength do you have to maintain both sides of the relationship?
I hate depression!! I'm angry at depression!! I want to beat it to death!! I want to yell and scream at it!!! Kick it as hard as I can until I'm exhausted!!! It has stolen my everything. I has been sneaking around and trying to squeeze it's way between us for years and I've managed to keep it at bay, but one night while I wasn't looking it crept in and took over my love. It has stolen everything that is important to me and it won't give it back.
Yes, there are medications to help but in the last but not the least stab at my heart we have discovered that one of the drugs to 'help' has taken away every last bit of his libido. So, just like Sophie's Choice, we have to choose between him being able to hopefully get over his depression or have a sex life. There is no choice really, it's already been made for us. Our sex life is over before it ever really began...and I have to accept that the ONE thing that I have been looking for my entire life is gone forever.
I'm struggling from deep within my soul to accept this. My 'fixer' nature can't repair this and I have no choice but to give up my dream. And it hurts to the centre of my being and permeates every aspect of my life. But I am not able to voice my hurt or disappointment so....here I am...all alone.
As of late I've been dealing with my partner's depression. It's not an easy life when you live with someone who suffers from chronic depression. There is such pressure on you to be...well, everything. You are his support, provider, comforter, and link to the world. You know that you hold his life...literally, in your hands. Yes there are professionals who deal with his medications and his current dilemmas but they are only with him for a very small portion of the time. You are with him always. Even though you may be out of the house and away, you are never really away. Your mind is always with him, wondering how he is, what he is doing, how is feeling, what can I do to help, how can I be supportive, what could I cook to make him at least feel good for a minute? It never stops, and the list of questions circling in my head is incessant.
My normal nature is to be a fixer. I see issues, and I immediately go to finding a solution. I plan, I organize and I solve. But I can't solve this, all I can do is mitigate or manage. It is so frustrating and exhausting.
And to cap off all this frustration, your partner, the love of your life seems to have lost sight of you. It feels as if his needs are all that matters and you have become invisible. I swear I could be bleeding to death on the floor in front of him and he wouldn't be able to reach for the phone and dial 911. How does one remain in love with someone during this crisis? How do you not feel resentment? How much strength do you have to maintain both sides of the relationship?
I hate depression!! I'm angry at depression!! I want to beat it to death!! I want to yell and scream at it!!! Kick it as hard as I can until I'm exhausted!!! It has stolen my everything. I has been sneaking around and trying to squeeze it's way between us for years and I've managed to keep it at bay, but one night while I wasn't looking it crept in and took over my love. It has stolen everything that is important to me and it won't give it back.
Yes, there are medications to help but in the last but not the least stab at my heart we have discovered that one of the drugs to 'help' has taken away every last bit of his libido. So, just like Sophie's Choice, we have to choose between him being able to hopefully get over his depression or have a sex life. There is no choice really, it's already been made for us. Our sex life is over before it ever really began...and I have to accept that the ONE thing that I have been looking for my entire life is gone forever.
I'm struggling from deep within my soul to accept this. My 'fixer' nature can't repair this and I have no choice but to give up my dream. And it hurts to the centre of my being and permeates every aspect of my life. But I am not able to voice my hurt or disappointment so....here I am...all alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
