The time will come

The truth about living with someone with depression is that it is exceedingly lonely.  You are with your partner giving them every last bit of your energy and you get nothing back. Sometimes you don't even get a simple conversation.  Television is your only interaction...you are both watching the same thing...that's it.  I am so tired of being with someone and still being alone.

He sleeps most of the day and then takes two sleeping pills to sleep at night.  Does this make sense?  No.  Do I have the right to talk to him about it?  No.  I just have to sit and watch.  I have to pick my battles and lately they are few and far between.

I am starved for attention.  I have isolated myself over the last few years because I have been taking 'care' of him.  I have work...and friends that I see and talk to there but very few know what has been transpiring in my life.  It's hard to share and let people in on my life.  I know what they will say...let it go...let him go.  Same story, same answers, same ending.

I don't want to abandon him, even though this disease has caused him to abandon me.  That's really what it is, isn't it?  He has left me and this needy, helpless child has taken his place.  It's not his fault but part of me sees so many ways he could DO something to make it better.  I can't tell him what to do, because he sees that as controlling him, so I have to just sit here and watch and hope that it gets better.  I have been doing that for years...and years.

At what point do I just accept it as our new reality?  How do I get my 'Ms. Fixer' brain to let it go?

I can't do anything more for him right now, so I have to change focus.  I started taking care of me.  I used to walk when I was dealing with frustrations and I've started doing that again.  It can't hurt.  It gives me time to think and it's something just for me.  I don't do many things for myself.  I'm not wired to be selfish so I always feel guilty when I take time to do things for me.  It seems I am last on my To Do List and inevitably there aren't enough hours in the day to get to ME.

Things will unfold as they should and when you're not sure what to do or say...it's best to not do anything...or say anything.  That time will come.