It's Time

I retired a couple of months ago…September 21st to be precise…on my 60th birthday.  That meant that I had to clean out my office and get rid of unwanted/unnecessary papers that I had accumulated over the last 30 years.  In the process of doing this, I ran across a folder marked ‘Personal’ and inside were copies of our correspondence from 10 years ago.  I didn’t even remember putting them there.  I wasn’t sure how I would feel reading all of that again or even if I should read it again.  

It feels like a lifetime ago, and yet as I read your first words in reply to my initial email, it still tugged at my heart.  It’s not the same as it was then because at that time it sucked the air from my lungs and had me hyperventilating and unsteady for a long time.

Your actions controlled me for a long time Brett, but they don’t anymore.  You pissed me off when you told me to leave you alone.  Please don't tell me what to do…you have no right, no more than I had any right to tell you what to do all those many years ago, nor did I. We both did what was right for us at the time.  My choices just weren’t as easy as yours.  And all I needed from you 10 years ago was; an acknowledgement of my existence and my plight, compassion, and the respect that I didn’t get at the time.  I deserved that – full stop!   

But the feelings have changed and are realistic now.  I’ve dealt with all that shit that needed to be gone through…just like the papers in my office I needed to get rid of the unwanted/unnecessary stuff.  I’m calm, centered and happy now, with the last part of my journey fully in sight – retirement to a place that has always brought me solace.  

On that day, more than 35 years ago our lives became tied together for eternity and although it may not be memorable to you, it is as it is, and was as it was...memorable to me.

Time for both of us to get over ourselves and be compassionate and understanding. I’ve never wished you any harm…not then, and certainly not now. 

Memories, Good or Bad?

Going through you house that you've lived in for 30 years is not easy.  It's not the "stuff" that is the issue, it's the memories that hang on each piece like an unwanted tag...you know the ones that scratch at your skin and irritate you all day.

I've had my trials and tribulations like everyone but I've survived and overcome.  Most days I'm proud of the way I've been able to maneuver through life's challenges and still manage to smile.

But today has been tough.  I'm sorting through a mountain of memories, picking and choosing which one to keep...which one to discard.  In the process it has caused my to go back...most times to spaces and places I don't want to go.  I've reliving a couple of periods in my life that weren't pleasant and all those feelings are dragging me down with them.  I'm angry again...sad again and heartbroken.  It's no fun going through all that again.  But I have no choice.  Well I do...I could either toss it all out, or put it back in a box and keep it shut forever.  But where is the progress in that...right?!

My jaw has been clenched and my tongue feels like it is in a vice-grip so I know I'm either going to yell at someone, scream or have a good ole cry.  My body is exhibiting the tension that my heart and head are feeling.

Maybe...just maybe it's time to stop for today.?  Have a glass of wine and relax.  The pile will be there tomorrow.