I created my HotMail account just to contact Rett. I wanted anonymity and it is achievable through an account with HotMail. But I am having trouble going in there now. Each time I have new mail, my heart does a fluttery thing. I know it won't be from him, but apparently my heart doesn't yet.
The head and the heart are rarely on the same page. They are often at war with one another and I'm not sure who wins more often. I would like to say my head, but my actions over the last several months tell me my heart was in charge. My therapist refers to it as two separate people; one representing my hurt side, the other my protective side. Don't laugh - we all have two sides to our personalities - I am just more aware of mine than perhaps you are. They duke it out from time to time and leave me exhausted from the battle. When I am at peace, they are both in agreement or at least form a truce.
There hasn't been a truce yet. I can hear the fighting all the time. It never, ever stops. I know it will someday, just not today. I can't imagine how good it will feel when it happens, but it must be peaceful.
Each time I think of Rett, which is still way more than I should, the battle starts. Just today for instance, I went for a walk, trying to get back into my old routine. Exercise is good for the mind, body and soul, so off I went into the cool fall air. I am walking along, listening to my MP3 blasting out Eva Cassidy and I reach into my pocket to ratchet up the sound, and I look at the sleeve of my coat - it is plaid. I have had this coat for umpteen years but it is the only winter coat that 'fits' me now, the others are just too big. I never before made the connection with the plaid and Rett, but there it was today. As I told you earlier, Rett is Scottish and his family has a tartan - and yes, oh yes...that's the one on the cuffs and inside the hood of my coat. Do I beckon these images or do they just appear? Haunting isn't it?
I can't seem to get away from him. He is everywhere. Last night I was watching my favourite soap opera after I got home from work. It is light and not really based on reality, so it is a nice way to escape. Well, there it was - Enrique Iglesias singing - yup, you guessed it - Somebody's Me. Rett's memory is everywhere. I just have to embrace the memories and roll with them, because fighting them is just too overwhelming. They will surround me for a while...and then they will be less frequent, but history has taught me...they will never go away. My head and my heart will hold him there, until they cease to be.
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3 comments:
Dear Aftermath,
I am a male responding to your story. I am sure most people will likely find that out by the way I write, however, I figured I would clarify.
I find it a very compelling and vivid story. I am impressed at the flow of your writing. The talent that you have to write is something that most of us dream in having the ability.
I have had some downfalls in my life and the ability to write things in a manner that you possess would have been helpful to me to get things off of my chest. You have a great talent. I think that all of the things that you have done to achieve an expalanation is normal. You have gone the gammit to please other people. I am not a pschologist my any means, however, I do believe that you should always look out for number one and do the things that make you happy. Whatever it takes to do the things that you need to do to get through the tough times. My heart and mind go out to you. They say that time has a way of healing. Well you can tell they to go pound sand sometimes because they are not you. You are you. You are allowed to feel all the feelings you are feeling because you would not be feeling them if it were not you.
You deserve to be happy. You really, really, do!
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate a male perspective. I thought that men may have a different view of my story...but apparently not.
I am searching for happy, but sometimes it can be a little obscure or elusive. I'm sure we will find each other some day...just not today.
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