Chapter 67 - Unconditional Love

I just realized that what I described is a type of unconditional love. Yet another "Ah Ha" moment in my life.

Odd, I had never thought about that before. It is not a romantic kind of love, in my mind, but something more than that, if that makes any sense. It has nothing to do with dating or sex, but it is deeper and more profound than that. It is from one soul to another. It can transcend time and space, therefore being more on a metaphysical level than a physical level.

But how do you explain this to someone? It is a bit like explaining the existence of God. How do you make someone understand? And how wonderful would it feel to have that type of love returned? What a gift that would be.

There is no way to escape it or run away from it or forget it, because it is always with you. And as much as it hurts when unconditional love isn't returned, eventually you get to a place where you accept it - you stop fighting it. I have faith in my unconditional love because it comes from a place of goodness, and whether it is returned or not, does not diminish the love.

There is a line from the new Eagles song "Waiting in the Weeds", and it says "If love is just a dance, proximity and chance, you will excuse me if I skip the masquerade." That is how I feel about love. I don't want to play the 'game' of love anymore. Love isn't about just finding 'someone' to spend time with, someone who I am attracted to physically, who happens to be close - that is lust. Love has to be more than that.

I am who I am and I like myself, with all my quirks and foibles, and if someone can not accept me, it really is their loss. I know that I am capable of unconditional love and I am unwilling to have any other type now. It would feel as if I were settling - and I just can't do that again.

Rett represents something in my life that I am sure very few people understand. As I said in the last chapter, he is tied to a special place in my heart, and he will always be a part of my life. My friends dislike him for what he has done to me, and I know they would prefer if I hated him, but I have done that and it is self-destructive. Now that I understand what my feelings are for him, and why they are - I can live with that.

My heart will always be open to him, if he should ever wish to enter. There would be no questions asked, no excuses needed. That is how it is and will always be. I tried to tell him that, to make him understand, but he was not in a place where he was willing to hear, he was too busy looking for the Exit sign, too afraid that he was going to get hurt.

This jouney has been a struggle at times. I have written some horrible details about Rett, and I have analyzed him, and yes…even judged him. It has been all part of my journey, and I couldn't have gotten to this point without going through all of that. I have dealt with the hurt, the hate, the revenge…the plotting and the scheming and the wanting and the needing (there's that word again). Now all I want is peace, and love as I go forward with a healthy heart and head.

My theologian friend said to me in the first e-mail she sent, something so simple. She said "I will pray for you, and for your child…and I will pray for Rett." I knew immediately that she, more than my friends, family and therapist, knew how I felt about Rett. I want only the best for him, I want him to be happy and safe, because he is special to me.

I wish Rett could understand